My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
