When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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