That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
