Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
