there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
