You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
