i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
