Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
