Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
