haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
