Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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