I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
