I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
