A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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