My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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