I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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