I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
