Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
