If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
