You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
