if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
