They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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