so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
