I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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