How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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