i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
