I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
