She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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