Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
