sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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