But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
