somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
