I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
