im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
