Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's Friday. Sex?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
