drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
