If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
