i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
