we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
