just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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