Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
