Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
