walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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