you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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