one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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