No awkward lesbian experiences without me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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