you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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