oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
