She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
