dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
