Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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