Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
