I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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