Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
