My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
