Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
